I wonder about life everyday. About my life in particular. I question my thoughts and actions, and mostly I question the decisions I’ve made. I will jump in head-first, often only to run away once I realize what I’ve committed to.
This was actually my biggest fear when I was pregnant with our first child… that I would question the decision and would want to run away forever. Thankfully, that did not happen, though I have at times wondered what my life would’ve looked like had I not had kids.
My internal dialogue is ever present in my day to day life. I am easily influenced and will almost always say yes before thinking things through. Though not always visible to those around me, my everyday actions reflect that. For example, I recently switched the language for this blog, on a whim (though I had thought about it many times before) and again I’m already having doubts.
Why? I change direction every other second. In one day, my dreams and aspirations for this blog have changed from ‘commercial lifestyle blog’ to ‘personal stories’ to ‘blog on a mission’ to ‘I should promote my photography’ and in the end, it’s none of the above.
Or maybe, it’s all of the above. And that should be just fine. But somewhere…something itches. Like I should be doing something else. Like I should be more business-like about it.
I love writing. I have no problem at all writing this blog for free because, well… I love writing. And, needless to say, I love to be able to showcase some of my photography. But blogs everywhere seem to be craving attention. We all want the views, the clicks, the statistics that say: hey, I’m someone. Look at the numbers.
And we all want the freebies. And we all want to earn money doing what we love.
So some days I really feel that need to promote my blog and I’m trying to be all about the statistics and the marketing and the business plan, and sometimes, I even like it. I love the marketing stuff and I love the psychology behind writing short sentences and what color to use to grab attention and why you should get people to sign up for your mailing list. (Thank you, Derek Halpern.)
I love the theory of this whole online identity thinking. But what I hate about it, is the fact that I’m constantly thinking about my online identity.
Is my Instagram feed a good reflection of who I am as a photographer? I should probably be on Twitter so my blog will be more visible to both readers and companies. I should really decide on my niche, so my blog can stand out from the crowd.
These thoughts are driving me crazy. My blog is not my job. My Instagram feed is not my job. My Twitter feed is… well, rather non-existent, but in any case, not my job. This blog you´re reading… it’s not my job, this is a part of me. It´s on my mind during the days and sometimes during the nights, and I put my soul into it. This blog is me.
And I do, I really do wish that I would be able to turn my blog into something profitable.
But I just don’t want to do it at any cost.
I don’t want to lose my integrity and I don’t want to write stupid reviews just so I can get products that I’d rather buy myself. I don’t want to waste my time thinking about how to position myself or how to attract more readers.
I’d rather waste my time thinking about life and meaning and work and feminism and motherhood. I’d rather waste it writing about whatever’s on my mind when I sit here late at night. I want to waste my time doing what I love.
And while I’d love to be ‘rewarded’ for my writing with freebies and a whole lotta pocket money, I’d much rather be rewarded with readership.
I´d much rather wish for this blog to be an inspiration, or a conversation starter, or just a distraction if you’ve had a rough day.
So thank you for reading. You being here is very much appreciated.